Casserole Babies

For dinner today I fancied trying out a sausage casserole mix type thing that had been advertised on TV recently.  In order to make it you need the usual ingredients; water, onions, mushrooms, and sausages of course.
Whilst preparing the ingredients I became interested in what was written on the back of the packet (other than the instructions).
There is a warning towards the bottom that says 'To avoid suffocation keep away from babies and children'.  This was referring to the plastic bag that came with the packet.  I realise this is a very practical warning and should be taken very seriously, however, to someone like myself, who takes a rather skewed view on most things, I considered the warning and began to think of other ways in which this could be interpreted. 
For example, what if you were to take the view that the warning might suggest not giving the bag to a child in case they decide to suffocate you with it instead of themselves (not that I'd wish that on any child).  Just supposing you have a rather demonstrative child who likes to inflict pain on others for the sheer fun of it (kids like that do exist).
Or, the other way to look at it might be that its a good idea to stay away from children in general in case they bring about a sudden loss of breath (not entirely, just asthma symptoms or hyperventilation).  I found myself in just that situation last week.  Well, almost, it was more like exasperation.  A colleague of mine has just become a grand mother for the I don't know how manyth time, and she insisted on showing me pictures of him.  I am indifferent to children to say the least, and I don't have any of my own (that i know of!) However, I am one of those people that babies generally seem to cry around, so avoiding them (with or without bags) is done at all costs.

It's Not Big Or Clever

Tonight saw the final episode of series three of Mrs Brown's Boys, as broadcast on BBC1 in the UK.  Whilst I am not really a fan of the show, I have endured it over the weeks of its current run.   There must obviously be some appeal for a certain section of the British public, especially considering more than 7 million people have been tuning in to keep up with the events of its main protagonist (and, some would say, antagonist) Agnes Brown and her family.
To say I understand its popularity is somewhat of an overstatement.  I have been hoping that there would be something in it to change my mind, and I could then say I enjoy it, but alas no, I am still struggling on that front.
Mrs Brown seems to spend all her time interfering in her children's lives without any of the fallout you'd expect from such put upon offspring (most kids would have dishoned someone that annoying).  And, of course when she's not interfering she's swearing and generally being vulgar to boot.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a prude, far from it, I love nothing more than a good double entendre, and have been known to swear like the proverbial trooper (not that I've ever met a trooper, or heard one swear either), but as kids we were told it's not big and its not clever.  In fact my mum once told me 'we'll have no f*cking in this house'; to which i found incredibly funny, and repeated on several occasions in the days that followed. Admittedly I was a 15 year old boy who still found the word 'bollocks' funny (actually that still makes me chuckle a little). 
Maybe the simple, vulgar nature of the language is its overall appeal. 
I guess what I'm trying to convey here is the slightly hypocritical nature of the world we live in.  Its not big or clever when kids do it but its hilarious when adults do it on, and watch it on TV. 

You Need Hands!

In today's (7th Jan 2013) G2 pullout of The Guardian newspaper, Charlie Brooker provides us with a very helpful guide on how not to catch the Norovirus bug.  Its a very useful item, much like my own that I have included underneath.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jan/06/how-not-to-catch-the-norovirus

Hand Washing
I am all for keeping clean, washing my hands and generally living a hygienic lifestyle. So with that in mind, I'd like to take this opportunity to explain my thoughts on the subject of cleanliness and hygiene, especially in the environment of the public or work toilets.
The process of washing your hands is to essentially remove the majority of germs from them after having excreted waste products from your body. I'd like to flush my thoughts on this subject out into the open. As I see it, once you have washed your hands, if you have used a cubicle to excrete your business into the wider world you then have the dilemma of how to get out of said cubicle, without making contact with the surfaces which are currently preventing you from leaving. Because, and this is the tricky part, even though you’ve just removed all or most of the offending creatures from your hands, you end up touching the door handle that gets you back into the ‘outside’ world. This means you’ve just added a whole new bunch of germs to the once dirty, now clean, now dirty again, hands. Then you wonder if you should start the whole process over again?
This hasn't caused me endless nights of worry but it’s no surprise to me that some people end up with OCD. It seems like an ever decreasing circle of contact with germs, soap and water. Where do you draw the line? Thats what I'd like to know? Wouldn’t it just be easier if we all wore (and occasionally changed...I’m not filthy you know!) gloves. That way we would never have to worry about the nightmare of making contact with both the germs and the things they’re living on.

Michael Jackson was half way there with the one glove, but maybe that was because he either lost the other one or was constantly having it washed. Whatever the case you'd have to say he was starting something!

Bus Stop Fairy!

Just lately I have taken notice of the people that use the same bus service as me.

Every morning at eight thirty I make my way to the stop just around the corner from my flat. Arriving just a few minutes after the same people each day. Having patiently waited for the same bus every morning for the past three years I have come to the realisation that the other would-be passengers don't seem to have mastered the art of flagging down a bus, therefore signalling to the driver that they require him to pick them up. Many's the time I have reached the stop to find myself the second or third person in a metaphorical line. And for some inexplicable reason I find myself appointed as the chief flagger. Now I'm not saying for a moment that I shouldn't do it. Just because I wasn't first in line doesn't mean I refuse to, but it seems strange that the whoever got to the stop before everyone else doesn't step up to wave the bus down as it approaches us.

In my 20 years experience of travelling on public transport I'm wondering why, suddenly, within the last few years, there seems to be a lack of control taken of ones own transportational destiny? Have people forgotten how to take the initiative with these things or are they waiting for some kind of Bus Stop Fairy to come along and hold his/her (I'm an equal opportunities theorist) hand out for them in order to get the attention of the driver. I often wonder if they wait there, at the stop, until I arrive, and with a sense of relief, think to themselves 'hurrah! Our public transport saviour hath arrived. He's sure to know what to do', or had I been given the job of Bus Stop Fairy, on the one day I missed it?

And while were on the subject of bus etiquette, most of the buses I use has 'Press once' written above and below the bell push. Why then do people seem to press it more than that, even when someone else has, not five seconds earlier, done the same? Buses also have a display informing you that the bus is 'Stopping', why then do some people still insist on pressing the bell a few million times more. Even wearing headphones on the bus doesn't stop me from knowing when the bus is approaching the next stop, and also telling me when we have reached said stop. I realise there are users of the public transport system who may be visually or hearing impaired, but these things haven't been put in place for the benefit of me alone, who seems to end up pressing bells for other people and receiving no thanks for it. Just the other day I was nudged by the woman sitting next to me, who then just looked in the general direction of the bell. I must point out here that I did in fact take my earphones out when nudged, as I thought she was going to actually ask for my assistance, but no, she just pointed at the bell. I pressed it on her behalf, and as I did so I said 'that's the trouble with earphones', in as jovial a way as I could. I even chuckled as I said it. I received no response to it, and even less as she just shoved past me and I said 'that's got nothing to do with wearing earphones, ha ha'

Deal or No Deal

As entertainment goes, Deal or no Deal does absolutely nothing for me.  However, just for my own entertainment, I decided to write the following sketch.  Well, it seemed more entertaining than the programme itself.

Noel; This is John from Croydon. Welcome John.
John; Thanks Noel.  Can we get on with this then?
Noel; Of course John, if you wish.  Do you have a strategy? You must have a strategy, everyone has to have one.  I do.
John; Yes, pick a box with a nice sum in it and get the hell out of here.
Noel; Well we want you to go away from here with something.
John; Yeah, that's why I'm going to take the first big sum that comes up and run to the boozer as quick as i can, and piss the lot up the wall.
Noel; That sounds like a great idea.  I tell you what, if i give you the number of the box that has £20,000 in it now we can all get home a bit earlier than usual. How about that?
John; I can go with that. I wont be too hasty though.  Lets have a few numbers first, for the hell of it.
Noel; OK John, its your game.
John; Damn right its my game.  This is being recorded right?
Noel; Yes John.  Which number are going to pick?
John; Right then, my first number will be 12.
Noel; Lets see whats in the box.  Please open box number 12 and reveal the value.
The person stood behind the box takes off the ribbon and a boxing glove on a spring jumps out and knocks them out.
John; That was a surprise.  I'm glad it wasn't me stood there, i hate surprises
Noel; I'm glad you said that because that's one of the tamer surprises in this episode.
John; Can you just tell me the number, I'll take the money and be on my way...to Pissville.
Noel; OK John, the number you need is...not 1. Its not even box number 20.
John; I told you I don't like surprises, so just get on with it. 
Noel; I'll be honest John I can't just tell you, I have to know your strategy, even if its just a case of selecting each box in order from 1 to 20.
John; There is no strategy.  There is never a strategy. No-one has ever had a strategy, even if they said they did. This isn't battleships you know.  I'm not even sure if the banker exists.
Noel; He does, he's my only friend.  Hearing his voice keeps me centred. Please, i really need to know your strategy, just tell me you have one and what it is, please!
John; Blimey you really do live for this crap don't you.  No wonder you're still doing it.
Noel; Its all i have.
John; You really are the sad little gnome-like goblin I always thought you were. Can i just have the box number with £20,00 and we can get out of here.  
Noel; Can I come with you to this 'Pissville'? It sounds wondrous. You get the money, I get to experience something new, is it a deal or no deal?
John; We'll see.
Noel; The box number is 14.
The person stood behind box number 14 opens it and shows that there is a ticket with £20,00 written on it.
Noel; Can i say it now?
John; If you have to.
John walks over to the person holding the ticket and starts heading towards the exit.  Noel calls to him; Deal or No Deal?
John turns back and says to Noel, "No deal, bye"